When involved in some skirmish, I'm usually the one to break the ice and either say I'm sorry or jump start a conversation that allows us each to lay out out stuff and resolve things by either mutually acknowledging blame or agreeing to disagree.
That doesn't make me noble, and don't get it twisted. I'm also not a pushover. It means that, like most people, I hate conflict. Even with people I just don't like, lingering disagreements bother me. If I have to dislike you, then I will, but for the most part, it's not a natural state-of-being for me.
But what amazes me (and occasionally pisses me off) is the lengths to which people go to while avoiding an apology. Even when they're DEAD. WRONG.
Here are the three main types of "apology" I find particularly annoying:
The FAKE APOLOGY: You know this person, the one who kinda does a smart-ass kinda thing while telling you they're sorry. It's not "I'm sorry I did that," it's "I'm sorry you feel that way." I had a girlfriend who used to do that so often that we almost had new arguments based on that raggedy mess she gave me.
The DELAYED APOLOGY: This person tries to give the impression that they're thinking about your feelings when really? They don't care. With them, you pour out your feelings and how you were offended by what they've done, and they give you....nothing.
You (after bearing your soul): I just think that what you did was wrong.
Them: I understand what you're saying. That's a lot to take in, though. Let me think about what you've said, and I'll get back to you.
Seasons change, children grow old...Still nothing. You get no resolution and they have moved on to bigger, better offenses.
The PIGGYBACK Apology: This apology is not so much an apology as a deflection. It goes like this:
You: You know you were wrong!
Them: Well, I didn't say anything when you (insert past imagined offense for which they sought no resolution and didn't care about at the time)
You: What does that have to do with now?
Them: I didn't make a big deal out of it, so you need to just get over it.
Real talk: refusing to apologize in the face of your obvious wrong is immature, prideful and disrespectful to the person for whom you claim to care. What's the worst that could happen if you say you're sorry? You'll be vulnerable? Weak? Well then, that's where you are facing trust issues. If you can't show that side to someone, is that person really someone you want/need in your life? Heavy stuff, I know.
According to Marsha Wagner, longtime Ombuds Officer at Columbia University, these elements make up the anatomy of a EFFECTIVE apology. Look for them in the apologies you receive and are given:
Not all elements apply to all situations. Some of the most common considerations
include the following:
1. A common understanding of the exact substance and nature of the offense, or
perceived offense. (Example: “Yesterday on the telephone, I said…”)
2. Recognition of responsibility or accountability on the part of the one who offended.
(Example: “I could have chosen other words.” “I spoke without thinking.”)
3. Acknowledgement of the pain or embarrassment that the offended party experienced.
(Example: “It’s understandable that was upsetting to you.” “If someone had said that
to me, I would not have liked it, either.” But not, “I’m sorry you’re so easily hurt.”)
4. A judgment about the offense. (Example: “I was insensitive.” “What I did was
wrong.”)
5. A statement of regret. (Example: “I’m sorry I used those words.”)
6. An indication of future intentions. (Example: “In the future, I will try to think about
the impact of my words before speaking.” “I hope we can have a relationship of
mutual respect.”)
Wagner adds that sometimes it is helpful to include an explanation of why the perceived offender acted in this way, but says that it’s important not to reiterate the offense, give a flippant excuse or a defensive justification. (Example: “What I did was a poor attempt at humor.” But not,
“When I’m mad, I can say anything but I don’t really mean it.”)
There are also times when an apology isn't enough; nothing is enough. Usually the longer things fester, the worse the offense seems. I have exes that have never apologized to me for past wrongs, and while I've let things go (for the most part), I will never forget that when they had a chance to make things right, they didn't.
I say all this to say: apologize. At the end of the day, I guess the reason I tend to apologize is because it makes ME feel better, keeps my slate clean, so to speak. I don't feel compelled to intentionally hurt others, and reconciling wrongs is my way of living my life honestly. Even those things that you feel you never forgive or never make right - make the effort to resolve them.
I know. Right about now, you're probably saying, "Well, no one worries about apologizing to me when they've hurt ME." That's petty. Treat people how you want to be treated. Again, keep a clean slate.
Life is too short to do otherwise.
No comments:
Post a Comment