Table Negotiations: How Much Do You Bring to the Relationship?

This year seems to be all about clean breaks.
Some of them, such as my lay-off, were thrust upon me. Others, such as the decision to end a long-time relationship that wasn't working, were completely of my making.

Unfortunately, endings aren't necessrily the same thing as beginnings.

For months, my friends have been telling me it's time to get back into the dating game, to get out there and find the person that I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

But I've hesitated.

When I worked as a secretary for a local non-profit in my early-twenties, I got to talking about relationships with a guy who worked in the department. He'd been married a couple of times, but had definite ideas about the male-female dynamic.

Him: It's all about what you bring to the table.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: A lot of times, women come talking about what they want a man to have - a good job making good money, bills paid, a car. But it matters what she brings too. So before you go asking what he's got, be sure that you also have something to offer.

Now that I think back, that guy seemed kinda like a poor-man's Steve Harvey. And while it's been almost 20 years since I had that conversation, the simple logic behind his thoughts has stuck with me: don't ask for what you don't have to give.

I'm feeling good about my efforts to re-shape my career and life, in general, I wonder, though, how I would react if a guy that was interested in me said he was doing the same.

It probably wouldn't be good.

For all you single women out there saying you'd be cool with it, get real. Being on your own is fine, even great, most of the time, because it usually means that you've made mostly good decisions that have made it possible for you to thrive on your own. The thought of taking on someone who isn't there yet or no longer there can feel like a threat to your own accomplishments.After Hypothetical Guy explained his situation and plans to strike out and do something different with his life, you'd probably nod and say how nice it sounded, while secretly wondering when he was gonna start trying to borrow money. I don't expect men to be much different. 

They're already paranoid about what a woman wants from them almost from the moment she speaks, and both sexes usually set about getting as much as they can before they decide to announce how little they plan to give.

That may sound cynical, but it's also a pretty fair description of the atmosphere out here.

I've been told not to underestimate the intangibles I bring to a relationshhip - humor, compassion, openness and positivity. But in order for those qualities to have designated value, the other person has to fairly and accurately assess their worth.  If they're thought to be worth little by the other person, then he obviously isn't the right guy.

And that leaves me where I am now: working on me, but postponing the establishment of a new "we."

For now, I'm going to do what my mother advises: "Get into yourself," and believe when it's the right person, everything I have to give will be all he wants.

What do you think?  Feel free to leave comments and feedback below.